Finding A Path to Masculinity
In the past say, year or so, I've been seeing pushback against folks doing the hyperbole thing of "Men are Trash/Men are Bastards," making arguments that this is deeply harmful to men (and mascs) who are trying their best not to fall into spaces of toxic masculinity.
Which, yes, and---
Chastising people who've been deeply wounded by men and masc folks in their lives for speaking in broad strokes on the internet doesn't actually *do* much to support men and mascs who are trying not to land in BastardTown. It just shames trauma survivors without interrogating "What the hell is going on that our culture sings Boys will be Boys while joking about terrible behaviors being part of masculinity, and creates spaces where the internet is one of the few places you see folks get to sigh and go Men are Bastards?" This "don't say all men are trash" narrative skips out on the Patriarchy and Toxic Masculinity conversations and also misses a point that I, as a genderfluid human currently trying to stop running from my masc selves, am currently butting up against:
What do you do as a man or masc person, when all the men or masc people in your life, have in fact, been bastards to *you* and loved ones?
Because, it feels like there's an assumption that everyone singing the "Men are Trash/Men are Bastards" song are all either women, femmes, or both and are on some kind of gender essentialism "men are from Mars, women from Venus" train. But, I don't think that's the case.
And, for me anyway, the scolding of people who sing the "Men are Trash" refrain...does not actually help me. At all. Because it doesn't actually assuage the fears I am sitting with about embracing my masculinity. It doesn't magically manifest any "positive/nontraditional" masculine role models for me to look up to. It doesn't give me tools to unlearn the toxic masculinity bullshit I have internalized, or my own fears about being a douchey bastard. Nor does shaming people singing the Men are Bastards song do anything to actually push back against toxic masculinity, gender binary bullshit, or the patriarchy.
Telling those folks (because when I have been on a "men are bastards" rant, I have damn near every time had someone pull this with me) that they're shutting themselves off from the possibility of Knowing a Good Man (either platonically, romantically, or familial wise) when they say they're done with men, does not address the harms of patriarchy, gender essentialism, or toxic masculinity. It shames someone struggling with trauma for not being endlessly forgiving.
I don't have answers around this. I'm mostly ranting as someone who's tired as hell of being afraid of my own masculinity, while also being someone who's quite honestly, tired of always giving men and masc folks chances and having them hurt me or my loved ones.
But here are questions I'm sitting with that feel more helpful than falling into the bouncy castle red rover game of "Not All Men" vs "Men are Trash":
Where do I feel disappointed or hurt by the men or mascs in my life?
Which shitty behaviors of theirs were specifically excused as "that's how men/boys/masculinity are/is"?
Why do I fear these behaviors showing up in the ways I am masculine?
What evidence do I have for me exhibiting these behaviors? What evidence do I have for the opposite?
The places where I have done these behaviors, how can I be accountable and change?
Am I still punishing and shaming myself for behaviors I have been accountable and changed around? Why am I still holding that shame? How does the shame serve me? What is the fear there?
Where am I holding shame about places toxic masculinity has crept into my actions? How can I let go of this shame?
Am I punishing myself for harm men or mascs in my life have done to me or others?
How can I build trust in myself that I will not commit those harms that I have witnessed?
What might help me acknowledge and let go of the harms these men or mascs have done, without minimizing or excusing them?
How can I forgive myself for these harms I have witnessed?
What have I been told masculinity or manhood is?
What are things I want to keep from that narrative? How might I want to adjust them to fit me better?
What are things I want to leave from that narrative of how manhood/masculinity is?
What is left out of that narrative that feels important to my masculinity? How can I incorporate those things into my life and self?
Who in my life affirms my masculinity in ways that make me feel witnessed?
What are the words/actions/things others do that make me feel masculine in good feeling ways?
What are the words/actions/things I do that make me feel good about my masculinity?
How do I want my masculinity to make people in my life feel?
What am I afraid of my masculinity making people in my life feel?
Who are people in my life I trust to do a head check with about my behaviors when I am afraid of toxic masculinity showing up in me?
What narratives inspire me with their portrayals of masculinity? What is it about them that hits those good buttons? How can I incorporate those things into my expression of masculinity?
Regardless of gender or gender expression, who are people (whether I know them or not) who give me that "oh I want to be you" feeling around masculinity? What is it that lights up that feeling for me? How can I grow those things in myself?
This list of questions is not perfect, or comprehensive, but it's one I am sitting with these days in how I show up with myself and with people I love. I hope and sharing it with you. If there are things that click and work for you, you can take them with you and leave behind the ones that don't.
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